My bathroom etiquette is arguably world class - I'm secretly optimistic of a call up for the 2012 games in the specialist field of 'loo archery'. I digress. This is the first time I've had my own place. I don't include the University years in this as my accommodation there was less of a 'place' and more of an over-sized baked bean cupboard. So with the front-door keys firmly mine, I can start practising what I preach all day long. Whoever eventually moves in to the spare room is probably unaware they will be stepping into a twenty-four hour practical lecture on sustainable living

 

Dual-flush. Check. 3-minute shower. Check. Compost caddy. Check. Full dishwasher. Check. Everything off at the plug. Check. Central heating as a Christmas treat only. Check. New housemate hospitalised with frostbite? Check. ("Should've bought some proper gloves then shouldn't ya!? Fingerless nonsense.")

 

I can't explain the joys of actually being able to control these things. Working in the environmental industry, I'm constantly aware of what I could/should be doing. I'm constantly aware of how easy it is and how making tiny changes can actually save me money as opposed to a few years ago when 'being green' was a reflection of financial wealth. 

 

Making the most of the late night shopping last night I popped into Wilkinson's to get some cleaning goodies . No dirty-boys’ flat for me! After getting distracted and worryingly placing 4 boxes of matches in my basket, I found the cleaning aisle. Bleach is important I hear, so we'll start with that;

 

"Domestos? Not at that price. Oh, what about this lovely Ecover alternative? Cheaper and greener. Kerrrching!"

 

Dishwasher tablets next...

 

"Finish... ooo, it's a BOGOF, nice! Whoa nelly, hang on... this one-hundred and fifty times reusable one works out cheaper per wash, and only uses natural products. Basket."

 

Washing up liquid, antibacterial wipes, fabric softener and so on and so on. I made a joke to myself about being the ‘green giant’ from the pea and sweetcorn adverts and let out what I thought was a discreet chuckle. The gathering of people whirring their index fingers round next to their temples alerted me to the fact that I’d cracked the joke out loud, and was halfway through a full belly-laugh. Scuttling off to the till,  I managed to slip a compost caddy under my armpit  – send all my food scraps up to the Green Backyard and keep them out of the landfill.

 

Still laughing at my joke,  I struggled home on my bike.  I was practically juggling my items and it came as no surprise when I crashed violently into the bin when I tried to break at the end of my journey. I'll have the last laugh though ‘Mr Bin’, because I won't be feeding you at all with all the recycling and composting fun I'll be having. Mwah ha haa.

 

After toiling up the spiral staircase I popped through the front door like a sustainable Michelin man, sending my load crashing on to the floor. I stealthily combined picking up my wares with a scope around for gross misuse of the carpets. All was good. Five minutes later everything was in its place and I spent the rest of the evening wandering around being so green it was a waste. I cooked all my food just so I could compost the scraps. I scrubbed the bathroom with bleach so many times that I now have to wear sunglasses in the bath. And I filled the washing machine so many times that the entire cutlery range has disintegrated.

 

 As I lay in bed, allowing the weight of the day to hang heavy on my eyelids, I felt a glow; the kind of glow that only comes when your conscience is as clean as my bathroom.

 

It is a shame that the catalyst for my domestic green uprising had to come from something bro... a different colour. It's also a shame that carpets have been on the receiving end of some much criticism in this blog - they're really very good insulators.